Tag Archives: mental-health

7 Reasons Why Life Would Significantly Improve During A Zombie Apocalypse

8 Apr

1. Money would basically cease to exist. Forever. Worried about your current financial situation? Wondering how the hell you’re going to pay your rent this month? STILL paying off your car? Well recent 20-something college grads, go ahead and let out a collective sigh of relief. The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us, and we no longer have to worry about any of that! Think about it. Career plans would be tossed out of the window. “Oh, boo hoo, I went to college for four years to be this one thing and now I’m getting paid minimum wage to be something completely different from that one thing I wanted so badly but now don’t even know if I want it anymore, blah blah blah the world is so unfair to me it’s so hard being young and 20-something in this world” ZOMBIES ARE ROAMING THE STREETS. Ain’t NOBODY got time for that kind of thinking! Get a gun, get some food, get to high ground. Seriously. No body cares if you studied to be a lawyer or… a BRAIN SURGEON. (See what I did there?)

2.) All of the stupid people would die right away, or become Zombies, which (in turn) are acceptable to shoot in the head. Admit it. You’ve met some stupid people in your life. You’re not necessarily a VIOLENT person, but… given the option to fart in the general direction of the guy who cut in front of you in McDonald’s who then proceeded to ask how much a “Dollar Menu Fry” was, or just keep walking, you’d probably choose to fart on or around him. And what if… what if that guy just happened to become a soul-less zombie? Well then what? Are you just going to let him waddle around the McDonald’s, aimlessly staring off into the distance, groaning, and maybe infecting the chicken McNuggets with his rotting flayed flesh? Aw HELL nah! You’re going to get a cross bow, and you’re going to shoot that drooling idiot in his dollar menu head. How much is a dollar menu fry? THE PRICE OF YOUR BRAINS SPLATTERED ON THE GLASS DOORS OF MCDONALD’S, YOU UNDYING GROAN FACTORY OF ROT.

3.) We would all learn to use so many kick-ass weapons it wouldn’t even be funny. Cross bows. Rifles. Hand guns. Axes. Baseball bats. Swords. Broken branches of trees. Bombs. Fire throwers. Fricken NUMCHUCKS. And those really heavy spiky metal balls on the ends of chains that they used to use in the olden days!!!! I am not a violent person, but given the chance to seriously hurt or kill something in self defense… I’m not going to lie. I’d probably go pretty ape shit with it all and get really into it, like the overprotected 18 year old girls who literally go insane during their first semester of college. Only I’d be going insane during my first Zombie Apocalypse…. Seriously, my arms would be so toned. Which brings me to my next general life improvement…

4.) My arms would FINALLY be toned, due to the excessive lifting of heavy objects, like guns, limp bodies of our recently deceased loved ones, and the debris of decaying buildings. No, but really… EVERYONE would be sexier, due to the immediate demand of intense physical activity. EVERYONE would start getting in shape! And if they weren’t getting in shape, it’s because they were too fat to out run the zombies, and now they’re basically doing what they did while they were alive: roaming the earth in search of food. So we’d just get to shoot the fat useless zombies, and enjoy the sexy transformations of all the agile humans around us. Which brings me to my next point…

5.) Relationships would suddenly feel more intense, due to never knowing if you’re going to live for years or die tomorrow. It’s kind of like the entire idea of love would become that moment, that single night before the love of your life ships off to war in the morning. Think about how intense and interesting that would be. “Oh, you’re one of the last few living people on this earth who isn’t trying to eat my brains out, and you’re a (insert preferred sex), AND you have sexy arms!?!? Let’s do this thang.” Say goodbye to the bro code, the pick up lines, the bars and second-guessing. Hell! Forget dating games, period. This shit’s serious. Absolutely no body would care if you’re 28, lost your job, still can’t spell “restaurant” without using spell check, and don’t have a car. Guess what? You can finally act out that Grand Theft Auto fantasy and STEAL ONE like a BOSS.

Then again, I guess first dates wouldn’t change too much. They would still consist of grabbing a bite to eat (foraging for food in remote/abandoned places while in fear of your lives), telling each other about your families and pasts (“Well, my mom got bitten, you know… and almost ate off my left arm, well- that is- until my little 8-year-old brother picked up a near-by pitchfork and stabbed her in her head before she could bite down. That was kind of a lot. But we were all really proud of him that day… That was actually yesterday. Night.”)  and the timid goodnight kiss at the front door (“So… should we like, climb up this tree and attempt to do it before more zombies come this way?”)

6.) Pop culture would FINALLY cease to exist. Let’s just take a moment to imagine this, okay?

Justin Beiber… as a ZOMBIE.

I’m just saying…

If I was your boyfriend, I’d never eat your brains. Unless I was a Zombie. And then I’d eat your brains.

Imagine shooting your least favorite pop stars in the head. How fun would that be?!? And you wouldn’t have to feel guilty at ALL because you’re doing the world a grand service by shooting Kim Kardashian’s brains out!!!

…Wait…

7.) I could finally prove to everyone that I really WOULD win the Hunger Games. Well, okay I’ll be honest: I don’t really think I’d win the Hunger Games. I can’t stab other kids and shoot them and cut their throats out just because the government tells me to do that. But if I had to protect my family or the people I loved from other people or ZOMBIES trying to kill them? Lesbihonest. I’d probs win the Hunger Games. Like, if the Hunger Games were actually a Zombie Apocalypse that didn’t take place in a huge stadium, but rather… like, the world? I’d win the Hunger Games. For sure. No doubt.

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An Easy Choice. Kind Of.

23 Sep

Day 13 of the 90 in 90 blog challenge.

(Close up of WOMAN’s anguished face.)
WOMAN: Are you feeling… tired? Worthless? Do you feel like there is no reason to live? No reason to breathe? No reason to… do your laundry?
(Shot of a housewife picking up a pair of pants out of the washer. Suddenly, she drops them mid-transfer to the dryer. She covers her face in shame.)
WOMAN: Studies show that 23 out of 36.4 Americans have trouble figuring out what to do with their lives at some point in time during their lives. Life is confusing and hard, and everyone is suffering.
(Shots of various people dropping laundry, cleaning supplies, and briefcases. They all cover their faces in shame.)
WOMAN: But now! You don’t have to suffer anymore. Now? There is Lunatylemidonolozoft.
(The various people uncover their faces and look up towards a growing, warm
light.)

WOMAN: Lunatylemidonolozoft is a drug. It has been clinically proven to treat some problems of some people, some of the time.
(A business man bends down and picks up his briefcase.)
WOMAN: It has been clinically approved by a group of men who wear perfectly ironed shirts and have name plates on their desks in their offices. They also sometimes floss after brushing.
(A father helps his daughter ride a 2 wheeled bike for the first time.)
WOMAN: Lunatylemidonolozoft is not for everyone. (A college student places a notebook in their backpack at the conclusion of a lecture.) People who fall asleep easily or enjoy eating at Subway should not take Lunatylemidonolozoft. (An Australian Shepperd catches a frisbee.) Side effects include, but are not limited to, headaches, dizziness, nausea, substantial weight gain, arm pit irritation, explosive acne, arthritis, unfortunately timed flatulence, constipation, complete nervous system failure, and a sudden unexplained fear of elevators. These side effects have only affected people who have taken Lunatylemidonolozoft for three consecutive days or more. (A mother watches proudly while her daughter brings a casserole dish to the table.) In rare cases, people have reported vomiting blood, losing their voice, and growing skin tags under their tongues in the shapes of European countries. These claims have yet to be proven. (A man opens a jar of mayonnaise for his wife.)  Do not take Lunatylemidonolozoft if you are pregnant, nursing, hoping to become pregnant, have been kind of pregnant once or maybe twice, planning on becoming pregnant next Wednesday, or are currently holding a baby. (Close up of a hand signing “Happy 1st Birthday! Love, Grandpa.”) Sexual problems including a lowered sex drive, erectile dysfunction, left breast loss, or just the complete inability to have an orgasm, ever, are common but reversible, maybe. (A construction worker stops his jack hammer, wipes his brow, and smiles at the sun.)
WOMAN: Just listen to these testimonies!

REBEL TEENAGER: (Blank stare.) I used to feel like nothing mattered and I felt worthless. Now, with Lunatylemidonolozoft, I don’t feel anything…. (Beat.)  It’s awesome.

DENTIST: I was having trouble getting out of bed. I was letting my patients down, my wife down, but worst of all, I was letting myself down. Now, with Lunatylemidonolozoft, I feel like a computer. And I still let my wife down.

HOUSEWIFE: (Tongue swollen with skin tags) Thewfs uh gud chanths I won geh bettah.

PREGNANT WOMAN: (Popping a pill while absentmindedly rubbing her belly. Then, she notices the camera. Wide, guilty pupils.) … Oops.

WOMAN: (strolling through a field of wildflowers, letting a chiffon scarf billow behind her.) So talk to your doctor to see if Lunatylemidonolozoft is right for you. You don’t have to be sad and confused about your life! You don’t have to feel worthless! You can start to get your normal life back. It starts… with Lunatylemidonolozoft.
(Close up of the Lunatylemidonolozoft bottle)
WOMAN: (Voice Over) Lunatylemidonolozoft;
An easy choice. Kind of.