Tag Archives: hilarious

An Evening With The Muggles: Leaving Hogsmeade With A Bang.

14 Jun

photo-1

 

After working at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter for a solid seven months and making a generous $8.00 an hour, I decided that it was probably better for my lifestyle to find a different job. And so, with a heavy heart and a hidden wand, I expelled myself from Hogwarts. I now work at a restaurant called “The Pub.” More updates on that to come.

I was cleaning out my disgusting old gold purse today, and I came across all of my old snippets of receipt paper with various scribbles on them. These are the gems that brought the magic of the muggles from the wizarding world to the magical realm of my blog and facebook pages. I thought at first I would write a huge blog post, showcasing each one separately, and elaborating on the stories they represent. But I think instead I’ll just type them out here exactly how they appear on the receipt paper. Keep in mind I also used the little slips of paper to brainstorm for stories or future blog posts, and general note-taking. Enjoy.

***

“Oscar! Phoebe! Linus!” -Mother calling to her young.
***

“They’ve got straight wands… curvy wands… wands with big butts…” -40-year-old Father to his 4-year-old son.
***

“How much” owl boy
What is that? (Pointing to post card)
—It’s a post card.

(Reverse Side)
Why I love Barnes & Noble
The Merchandise Woes
How it feels to see your ex happy
Dear Vicky Ross (Woman who bought 2 post cards and had them sent to the front of the park.)
Why Spyro The Dragon was the best game ever
How I’d like to see Geoffery Baratheon killed
The Post Card Games
How I feel about people who ask “How much is this?”
OMG little black boy who keeps molesting the owls JUST. STOP.
***
Top 5 Ways to be Trapped
1. In a shark cage
2. In a porta potty in June
3. Being held down by a guy dressed as a piece of corn.
4. In an elevator with your dad’s new girlfriend, who is your age.
5. In the back seat of a clown car being driven by (insert certain co-worker’s name.)
***
This next list is a list of sayings I saw on people’s actual shirts. It was part of a weekly game I liked to call “They Actually Chose To Wear This Today.”

  • -MUSIC NEVER SLEEPS-
  • How can I think outside the box when they won’t even let me out of it?
  • Lary Legend (Bird is the WORD!)
  • JUST DO IT. CUT THE CHECK.
  • Pinch me, I dare you. (T-Rex pictured.)
  • Bite This (Flat Iron w/ Nike swish)
  • Party Animals (Pictured were a bear, a giraffe, a penguin w/ sunclasses, and a toad grilling hamburgers)
  • I Do It For The $ (Pictured was Han Solo.)

 

  • Beware of Doom (Pictured was Invader Zim.)
  • College 96 (Worn by a 7 year old.)
  • We are young, wild, free. Leprechaun Class of ’14.
  • Hooters (Worn by an 8 year old.)
  • Keep dreaming… Even if it BREAKS your HEART.
  • I’m just one big fricken ray of sunshine, aren’t I? Worn by a middle aged man with a beer belly and a beard that rivaled Santa’s.

And, my personal favorite:

  • Sectional… And we know it.

Then, this was scribbled at the bottom of that list:

“What is Harry’s owl named?”
“Hedgewing.”
“OH YEAH that’s right, now I remember.”
***

Girl: I’m a SLYTHERIN.
Me: I know! I can see that. Who is your favorite Slytherin?
Girl: PROBABLY Professor SNAKE.
Me: Yes- Professor Snape is a great man.
Girl: Didya know that he DATED Harry’s MOM?
Me: … I, did.
Girl: Well, he LIKED her. That’s why he can talk to snakes!
Me: Who, Snape?
Girl: NO!!! Harry.
Me:
Girl: Well, ALL Slytherins can.
Me:
(Girl exits.)
***

Co-Worker Mike: (Bouncing, literally BOUNCING, with a $250 dollar collectible broom wedged between his legs) Is the stamper station pulled in from outside yet???
Me: Yes.
(Mike exits, still bouncing on the broom, leaving behind a very quiet and empty Owl Post, save for me and Attractive Father.)
Attractive Father: (Looks at me, looks down at sleeping baby, looks back up at me, very confused.)
Me: This is my life.
***

“Professor Dumb… Dumb….Dumble… Dumbledorf.”
“Mom, can I get the snitch?”
“The who?”
“OH LOOK! Are these DRAGONS!?!?!?!” (While holding up a pack of dragons.)
Rant about “We thought that EVERY KID got chosen!”
(Holding up a Tri-Wizard Cup) “No no, the cup has pointy edges, we can’t get that for- IT LIGHTS UP!!!!” (slams it on the counter to pay for it.)
Forces Dad into a student robe, 3 feet too short. Didn’t even take a picture.
Hotel card fiasco.
***
Me: No using magic in front of muggles!
4 Year Old: Can we practice in the car?
***

Arianna (Age 5): Mom, can I hahv Hermione’s wand?
Mom: You already HAHV Hermione’s wand, love.
Arianna: (Considers this.) Can I hahv Ronald’s wand, mummy?
***

“Wouldn’t it be cool to get me one of these here robes?”

“The first thing I would do, I’d take my wand up to the cat and be like BAM you’re a dog, and then I’d take it up to the dog and be like BAM you’re a CAT! HAHAHA!!!!” -14 year old girl. Unacceptable.

“Is this the castle?”

“Don’t you think these robes are a bit much? Like, a bit too much money?” – 7 year old girl.
***

Bryan: Carolyn, tonight at Grad Bash, when you feel like killing someone-
Me: -Or myself-
Bryan: Yes, or yourself, please refrain.
Me: But Bryan… how?
Bryan: You know Carolyn, I really don’t have an answer for that. Especially when there are kids walking around wearing You Only Live Once t-shirts.
***

M: Is this the exit for Harry Potter?
Me: Harry Potter… what?
M: The Harry Potter…
Wife: The dragons.
Me: The Dragon Challenge Roller Coaster?
M: Yes, the Harry Potter ride.
Wife: (Entering store) The exit is in here.
Me: Oh, the exit for the Dragon Challenge is actually up the hill a bit.
M:
Wife:
(They both enter the store.)
***

Son: I’m gonna ROCK out with my WAND out!
Mom: That… that is so wrong, on so many levels.
***

Natasha: Can I help you?
Person: Do you sell invisibility cloaks?
N: Why YES. They’re right here! (Points to nothing.)
P:
N: Actually the muggles have come up with something a bit similar.
P: The what?
N: The muggles. I hear they can be quite smart. Apparently it’s called “Camo” and they sell it at Bass Pro Shops.
P:
***

Monologue of Kid to Dad
Dad, look. I’m exhausted. You ask “what’s wrong?” like you have no ******* clue. Allow me to illuminate you. Change my diaper. Feed me. Let me pass out. It’s not that hard.
***

Three Asian guests approach me.
Them: So… if we, want to send…? A post card?
Me: Yeah.
Them: Do you send it or do we?
Me: I… you, can send them. Around the corner to the right.
Them: Where?
Me: Around the corner to the right, there is a witch standing at a podium, you’ll mail it from there.
Them: Which corner?
Me: This corner. Go around the little windows.
Them: And they post it?
Me: They can give you the decorative Hogsmeade post mark, for free.
Them: But that’s enough, to send… to China?
Me: No, as I said that is strictly decorative. You’ll need 3 stamps to send to china. We sell them in packs of ten.
Them: So… 3, to China?
Me: Yes. 3 stamps per card.
Them: Okay, we’ll take 3 of them.
Me: No. As I said, we only sell them in packs. Of ten. Do you want to buy a pack of ten?
Them: (Silence, as they turn the pack over and stare at the price tag.) How much?
Me: It should say on the price tag.
Them:
Me:
Them: So, how much… for three?
Me: For a PACK of TEN it is 14.95.
Them: Oh. Okay. So I want to.. send the card. To China.
Me: …Okay.
Them: (Blank stare)
Me: (Blank stare)
Them: I’ll just buy the card and get the stamp over there at the podium.
Me: So, you’re not going to put it in the mail to China?
Them: Yes. I am.
Me: Okay.
(Ten minutes later.)
Them: (Incredibly cheesy smile) We need stamps!
Me: You DOOOO???
Them: Yes! 3 stamps please, for China.
Me: (Picking up pack) Okay. That will be 14.95 for the three stamps.
Them:
Me: TEN. No three. If you want single stamps, you’ll have to go to the front of the park to the Trading Company. We sell single stamps there. But they aren’t Harry Potter.
Them: HARRY POTTER!?!?!?!
Me: Yes. Harry Potter.
Them: (Cheesy smile.)
Me: That will be 14.95.
***

New Jersey Man: Why can’t you just, ya know, wave that little stick around and make some magic happen?
Me: Muggle hours.
***

Man: (Holding up a tiny leather suitcase) Is this a map?
Me: No, actually. If you open it up it reveals letters and envelopes! (Opening the suitcase to show him the stationary set.)
Man: (Closes the suitcase and holds it. Studies it.) So… it’s not a map…?
***

Muggle: Wait! Let’s video it! (“It” referring to them paying for the wand.)
Natalie: (Looks at their phone) Is that one of those little magic muggle boxes?
Me: I hear that they can send each other messages with those little things!
Natalie: Really? How does that work? Are there tiny little invisible owls?
Muggle: (Giggling) Well, there’s an app for that.
Me: What is an app?
Muggle: A, spell. For it.
Me: You have spells for the muggle box?!
Natalie: Oh wow, this is so cool.
Me: This is almost as fascinating as the day they explained how a toaster works.
***

British child on a monkey leash: THOMAS AND FRIENDSSS!!!
British Dad: No, sweetie, this is Harry Potter Land.
British Brother: We’re BROFERS!
Me: You are?
British Brother: (Holds up the Harry Potter wand he just got) NOW I have the powah of HARRY POTTAAA!Me: Are you going to fight bad guys?
British Brother: YEAH!
British child on a monkey leash: (Indistinguishable screaming babble with a British accent.)
***

Are these real wands?
Do they light up?
I’m not magical!
Well, I’m only 6.
So… what you’re saying is… when I’m 11… I can come back here and get a wand and practice magic?
Well. Now I’m scared.
Because these wands are REAL and they do magic!
***

Literal butterbeer sip out of boyfriend’s tongue… I. CAN. NOT.
***

“Higrid- no, I mean Hogreed, has the book as a pet, and then he gives it to Harry.”
False, muggle. False.
***

 

 

Goodbye for now, magical world. I will never, EVER, forget what you taught me.

 

 

 

 

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The Price of My Dignity Is 35 Dollars: A Chat With Adam Lord.

24 Oct
One new message, from ADAM:
Adam: I want to swim around in your irises.
Me: …I want to taste the smell of your voice.
Adam:  I want to lie down in your mind and do cartwheels through your personality.
Me: I want to make love to your fears, I want to hold hands with your insecurities and grow old through our abandonment.
Adam: I want to take off my clothes and watch you eat mashed potatoes without using your hands.
Me: I want that too. I also want to eat the meat of a slice of watermelon off of its peel, then use the peel to cover my nipples in a U-shaped carcass of a consumed fruit.
Adam: I do too. I also want to wrap mayonnaise-covered sausage links around your entire body like you’re a mummy and then over the course of three days where we watch all three Lord Of The Rings extended editions, eat the entire thing starting at your feet.
Me: Adam… I can’t wait forever for you to propose to me. You’re breaking my heart.
Adam: We haven’t even made out yet.
Me: You just said you wanted to wrap my body in sausage and eat it off while watching all 3 extended LotR movies. We could have never met and I would still consider it.
Adam: I know what you like. The path to your heart is paved with meat and Orlando Bloom stares.
Me: Don’t forget kittens.
Adam: Almost did. So sorry.
Me: Hold me.
Adam: I’m waiting for you to realize there’s nothing for you in Orlando except hopelessness and forgotten dreams. Then and only then will I embrace you.
Me: Today on Craigslist I found a job that offered to pay me 35 dollars an hour to be a receptionist at a nudist colony. I would basically answer phones behind a desk in the nude for 35 dollars an hour. And Adam? I started to laugh and cry all at once, sitting at home by myself. Because I realized, that for a split microsecond, I was considering how much I could make working 40 hours a week with a 35/hour pay rate.
Adam: Just less than three times as much as I do. And I’m living fairly comfortably. What’s stopping you?
Me: I don’t know. The price of my dignity.
Adam: That’s roughly 70k a year, before taxes, by the way.
Me: Just… don’t.
Adam:Are you looking anywhere besides Craigslist? I applied to probably 40-50 places before I got one interview with a crazy cake-maker lady. From Craigslist, I mean.
Me:Well I haven’t really been able to find any job offerings that require a college degree and wearing clothes. But I’m gonna keep looking.

Adam: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/fbh/3360403672.html

$1,000/night is roughly $365,000/year.
Me:I am a college graduate. I shouldn’t have to sell my body, even in a place that call itself a “theatre!”

…Where can I apply?
Adam: You just did! You’re hired! By the way, when I told you Cody, Eric and I are starting a theatre company, that’s what I meant.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!
Adam: Other than the job thing, are you happy there?
Me: I’ve only been here for a few days without my mom here… which means other than job searching, I’ve watched 18 episodes of Pretty Little Liars and consumed Naked Juice.
Adam: THAT’S ALL YOU’VE EATEN?
Me: And some chili. And veggie stix. And sweet potato chips. I applied to universal today to be a “merchandise representative.” …I just want to sell wands in Harry Potter world and tell people I’m in Ravenclaw.
Adam: You don’t get to pick your school or tribe or whatever they call it.
Me: It’s called a house. And they could put me in Slytherin for all I care.
Adam: I hope if you get that, they put an actual hat on you that tells you what house you’re in.
Me: No one even cares anyway. No one even bothers to speak in English accents. They’re all just a bunch of jaded Floridians who are over their lives. They don’t even care that they’re working in the Three Broomsticks. And you don’t even know what Ravenclaw means, so you certainly don’t know what the Three Broomsticks means.
Adam: It’s the bar where they get their butter beer. …Or are you talking to “them?”
Me: I was talking to “you.”
Adam: Well, then “you” are wrong because “I” obviously do know what the Three Broomsticks is.
Me: Good for “you.”
Adam: I read 4 and 1/2 of them.
Me: Then you don’t know Snape’s true motives, and I’m ashamed to call you my friend.
Adam: He loved Harry’s mom and was only trying to protect him blahblahblahIsawthemovies.
Me: We can’t marry until you read the books. I’m sorry.
Adam: He got so whiny in the one with blue cover, though.
Me: UGH he did. That one was SO depressing.
Adam: I think that’s where/why I stopped.
Me: Inexcusable.
Adam: I think it’s a good excuse to stop reading a book if you stop liking the main character.
Me: Oh yeah? Well sometimes I think it’s a good idea to apply to a job that offers me 20 bucks an hour to film me getting pied in the face while wearing a bikini top. And then I rethink my opinions.
Adam: I’d do the nudist colony over that. You don’t want anything on film.
Me: Two words: security cameras. I’ve already thought about it.
Adam then made this for me, without photoshop. I don’t know how he did it:

“I want to swim in your irises. How about just ‘to swim in your irises'”