7 Reasons Why I’ll Never Trust A Man Who Doesn’t Like Star Wars

25 Mar

1. If you don’t like Star Wars, I just don’t think your opinions matter anymore.

I’m just going to start with the most obvious question when dealing with a man who doesn’t like Star Wars: HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE STAR WARS? I can understand not liking the earlier Episodes. I can understand making fun of Attack of The Clones for the atrocious writing and ridiculous acting. But what I literally cannot fathom is your complete aversion to the entire concept of Star Wars. If there is anything worse than someone who has never seen the movies and says, “I don’t know… I just don’t like Star Wars…” it’s someone who HAS seen the movies, and says, “I don’t know… I just don’t like Star Wars.” Like… What is there not to like? Do you understand that it is one of the most epic stories ever told?!? People actually have mental powers that make things fly. Around. They use these mental powers to defeat their enemies. Yoda, a tiny green… creature man thing, makes boulders FLY through the air, LIFTS giant pillars of GRANITE or SOME OTHER UNKNOWN HEAVY-LOOKING SUBSTANCE with his MIND, in order to save his comrades. HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT TO WATCH THIS?!?!?

So, forgive me if I just don’t think your opinions on the current economic state of affairs in the United States matter anymore. I really don’t care how many degrees you have, in however many different areas of study. If you don’t like Star Wars, your opinions are null and void. End of discussion. You will never unclasp my bra. Sarry.

2. Light Sabers > Basically Everything.

Let’s be honest. If someone lined up a bunch of ridiculous weapons/items on a table and told you to “Choose wisely,” which would you pick?

1. A pirate sword.
2. A sniper rifle.
3. A wand from Harry Potter.
4. Gandalf’s staff.
5. A dire wolf.
6. A LIGHT SABER.

If your answer is anything other than number six, I don’t think I can look at you in a romantic light. I’m sorry. But I can’t.

I mean it may be hard for some of you to choose between a wand and a light saber. And I get that. I mean I really, truly do. But there is something just… so satisfying about literally slicing someone in HALF with a concentrated beam of light and watching their two severed halves plummet down into a dark, dank abyss like two discarded twirling hot dog ends being tossed unceremoniously into a bon fire, that a good old Avada Kedevra curse can’t do. I mean AM I RIGHT?

You’re just lucky I didn’t put “dragon” on that list… Because then we’d be here all night in a heated debate that even I don’t know which side I’d want to win. And we’d all feel very confused. And ultimately heartbroken, because dragons AND light sabers technically don’t exist. So you’re welcome.

3. But like… What was your childhood?

I have one question for the (arguably) straight man who doesn’t like Star Wars: If you weren’t watching Star Wars as a child… what were you watching? Do I even want to know? What could POSSIBLY be cooler to a 5 year old boy than Star Wars? The Ninja Turtles?! Okay, the turtles were sort of cool. I’ll give em that. But when you just take a minute to really look at it and compare the two sides…

Ninja Turtles:
A few teenage boys get exposed to some kind of toxic whatever that makes them turn into turtles who fight crime by being ninjas…

Star Wars:
Intergalactic WAR being raged, space ships, THE FORCE, light sabers, awesome creatures, intense languages, exposure to different planets, Natalie Portman, guns that shoot lasers, ridiculous fight sequences, Darth Vader, and bounty hunters. And don’t make me play the “Slave Leia” card, either.

I mean I’ve never been a 5 year old boy, but I can imagine that when asked “What’s cooler, some turtles that fight crime, or a bunch of Jedi Knights kicking ass and taking names all in the name of The Force?” I’d probably pick the latter. And I’d expect my Mr. Right to pick the latter, as well.

Also- tangent- but… If you didn’t watch Star Wars as a child, I’m immediately judging your upbringing, which makes me wonder how that has affected you now as an adult, aaaannnddd how you’re going to, in turn, raise your own children. I’m all for embracing our own personal emotional baggage, and letting our significant others “in” so that they can help us overcome our pasts that ultimately led us to become the people we are today… But dude. There’s a difference between “emotional baggage” and “I was abused as a child because my parents wouldn’t let me watch Star Wars.” And ain’t nobody got time for that.

4. If you don’t think Star Wars is cool, I don’t see how you can call yourself “straight.”

Look, I don’t want to spend a lot of time on this one. Okay? If you’re a straight guy and you don’t like Star Wars (pfff… yeah RIGHT…) then good for you. I’m a straight woman and I don’t really like…I don’t know… pedicures? They kind of freak me out, I don’t know. BUT the point is, I know there are exceptions to every rule. I’m just saying that my Mr. Right will know the difference between The Death Star and the Millennium Falcon. That’s ALL I’m saying.

5. There’s even a How I Met Your Mother Episode Dedicated to Star Wars. So… HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE STAR WARS?

Look, Star Wars is Ted Mosby’s favorite movie of all time. It’s incredibly important for him to find a woman who likes Star Wars as well. And I understand that! I understand Ted’s undeniable NEED to find a girl who can appreciate the adorable “threat” of an angry little mob of Ewoks. I, too, search for that in a partner.

And, I’m just going to say this now, and I’m only going to say this once: If you don’t know who Ted Mosby is… please stop what you’re doing right now. Stop reading this blog, stop everything. Get up, go into your kitchen. Grab the nearest frying pan, and just, beat yourself over the head with it. Repetitively. Then do me the honor of never reading this blog again.

6.) If you can’t do a horrible impression of Chewbacca when you’re drunk, I probably won’t trust you with our finances. 

1326155072-chewbacca-7

Look guys. Chewbacca is annoying. I’ll be the first to openly admit it. He’s a giant Sasquatch looking thing that can’t really talk at all. He’s just kind of there. But you know what?  He’s loyal. He fuzzy. He’s kind of cute in his own huge hairy man sort of way. And he makes one of the most recognizable sounds in the history of all of cinema. If you’ve never even attempted to recreate his battle cry seven beers in, I just can’t see myself looking at you seriously. If I can’t count on you to do horrible impressions of Chewy, I just don’t think I can trust you with more important stuff. Like our finances. The father of my children will be able to make Chewy’s battle cry. And if he can’t? He will certainly be able to after seven beers.

I just, really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

7.) Star Wars To A Man Should Be Like Catnip to Cats: Crack.

If I walk in the door from a long day of work and I say, “Hey honey, you know how much I was really looking forward to watching that special on modern feminism that I T-Vo’ed last week? Well… do you mind if we watch some Star Wars instead?” I expect him to get down on one knee and propose to me, if he hasn’t already done so. And if he has, I expect him to propose again. If I have dinner ready for my man when he walks in the door, and hold up “A New Hope,” he better jump all over that like a dog on a meat wagon. And if he doesn’t? #byebye

 

I told you not to make me do it...

I told you not to make me do it…

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11 Responses to “7 Reasons Why I’ll Never Trust A Man Who Doesn’t Like Star Wars”

  1. Josh March 25, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

    Ted: She has never seen Star Wars
    Marshall: WHAT!?!? The only people who haven’t seen Star Wars are the people who were in Star Wars. That is because they lived the Star Wars.

    Great job that was hilarious.

    • Carolyn April 8, 2013 at 10:10 am #

      Thank you Josh! 🙂 I wish I lived the Star Wars.

  2. Taralynn Gote March 25, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    Gosh, oh gosh. This is like the funniest thing. I AM DYING OF LAUGHTER. I love Ewoks, always have (even if the thought of them gave me nightmares and hives as a kid). I have this little plush stuffed animal of an Ewok that is so old now, but I don’t care one bit. The thought of someone saying, “What’s an Ewok?” is like saying, “What’s a fork?” As Yoda would say: On to something, you are!

    • Carolyn April 8, 2013 at 10:09 am #

      Thank you!!! I’ve always dated guys who like/ have at least SEEN Star Wars and don’t despise it. I just don’t think I could understand a man who doesn’t like it. And if someone EVER asked me “What’s an Ewok?” I’d probably ask them, “What’s your purpose?” Maybe we could do what Yoda says: Around the survivors, a perimeter, create. And create a barrier between the good guys who like Star Wars, and the bad ones who don’t. That would make dating a lot more efficient I think.

  3. Michael Mullen OHara March 26, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    Hilarious! Amazing!

  4. John May 7, 2013 at 6:42 pm #

    Brilliant. I loved this, but if you’re going to be that picky about your man (more power to you), be careful. That perfect man will know that it’s not “Chewy;” it’s “Chewie.”

    • Carolyn May 7, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

      That’s so hot…

      • John May 7, 2013 at 9:23 pm #

        I try. If it sweetens the pot, I’m watching the High Def fan preservation of the original trilogy too. Look up Harmy’s despecialized edition if you haven’t heard of it.

  5. Stephen May 7, 2013 at 7:26 pm #

    I love star wars. The argument here is valid… But dont use the ninja turtles as an example if you dont even know what they are. “a few teenage boys that get exposed…”? Just stop and find another example you know something about

    • Carolyn May 7, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

      Touche! I guess that’s what I always thought The Ninja Turtles was about… I still think Star Wars is cooler than the Ninja Turtles, or at least cooler than my sadly misinformed idea of the Ninja Turtles. But even if I was fully knowledgeable on TMNT, I’d probs still think Star Wars is cooler. As stated, The Force, light sabers, and Natalie Portman trump all. And I’d want my Mr. Right to agree.

  6. Alex July 31, 2013 at 3:17 am #

    I had so much fun reading this, that I simply have to say my thanks to the author. By the way, I read it in the context of questioning a guy at the office “how can you not like Star Wars”. I guess it was the will of the Force.

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