I Have a Bulbous Nose… and I Don’t Care Who Nose It.

25 Jan

Middle school girls are evil and wretched. I feel like for every one normal, nice girl in middle school, there are three crazy psycho scum slinks lurking alongside lockers somewhere, ready to act overly excited to see you one minute, and then spread vicious rumors that you stuff your bra with folded socks the next. During my middle school years, I was attacked by such creatures.

“She’s like, so weird.”
“She makes animal noises sometimes during choir, and it freaks me out.”
“Why is she always READING?”
“She draws dragons in the margins of her notebook… did you see!? Like… dragons.”
“Her hair looks like a rat’s nest.” *
“She has really awkward bow legs.”
“I heard she once made out with a hotdog.” **

But perhaps the worst thing ever said about me in middle school was the following:

“She kind of has a big nose.”

Guys, before I continue writing, I want to let you all know that I like my face. Okay? I do! I actually really do. I have two eyes that kind of work with the help of some crazy contacts. I have teeth that are relatively straight from two years of middle school social-status-hindering braces, and I have a nose that… smells things effectively. And when my complexion decides to keep her obnoxious explosive opinions to herself, I sometimes have nice skin, too. I am in no way writing this post to be all like “Oh em gee, Becky, I hate my FAACCEEE.”

That being said…

I feel like I have a bulbous nose. I do. I feel like when I smile, it is crooked. It is crooked when I smile. When I go to give people the traditional “Profile kiss on the cheek” pose, my nose is so big, it smushes against the other person’s face, resulting in what I like to call “The Crow.”

"The Crow."

“The Crow.”

It usually takes about two to three beverages for me to lose all inhibition about my nose. Once that happens, The Crow comes out to play. I personally like the double rainbow lines we get with my cheek and side-smooshed-nostril curves going on there. Seriously, I can’t take a picture of me kissing someone on the cheek without The Crow deciding to make an appearance.

Next, I’d like to introduce you all to “The Bulb.”

The Most Bulbous.

The Most Bulbous.

But like… can we all just take a second to observe? Notice the bulbous tip of my nose… It’s actually lighting up, like Rudolph. Only it’s not red, it’s a blinding white color from the camera flash, and I’m not an adorable reindeer who can turn his “disability” into a necessary precaution against deadly winter storms and in turn, save Christmas… I’m just some girl whose nose lights up when people use their camera flash. This is actually a really good picture, because to my left we see my father, and to the right we see my mother. Now, ignore our ridiculous expressions, and just take in the noses…

In conclusion: Dad + Mom = Bulbous.

Then, we also have what I like to call The Casual Hook. It goes a little something like this:

 

This can't even be real.

This can’t even be real.

Granted, I’m kind of choosing disgusting pictures of myself to showcase the many different “faces” my nose has to offer. However, just… I mean come on just look at this. Like…really? REALLY??  Those middle school girls may have been horrible, but at least they were honest. “Hey. Carolyn kind of has a big nose.” Now, I’d shove this picture in their faces and be like “KIND OF?! Listen you militia of youngling skanks. At least give credit where credit is due. I DEFINITELY have a big nose.”

Even in my headshots, I can’t escape it.

Crooked Carolyn and the Never-Ending Nose.

Crooked Carolyn and the Never-Ending Nose.

"I'm as long as I am wide... Yeah... You like that, don't you?"

“I’m as long as I am wide… Yeah… You like that, don’t you?”

 

Dear Future Love Interests:

 

Carolyn-9154…You’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

NOTE:
*My hair actually did resemble a rat’s nest for all of 6th grade, and most of 7th. It was kind of a shame.
** I never made out with a hot dog. This is an actual quote from Mean Girls.

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8 Responses to “I Have a Bulbous Nose… and I Don’t Care Who Nose It.”

  1. Latasha January 25, 2013 at 11:36 pm #

    Hah… I loved your animal sounds in choir and I love that you’re weird! It’s “normal” people that freak me out… OH and…
    “Is it true?”
    “What?”
    “…you know… THE SCAR…”
    “OH” -guffaws and pulls hair back-

    Only someone as cool as you could come at me like that for my scar. 😉 And btw, I think your nose is just fine!

    • M. A. Hauck January 26, 2013 at 12:24 pm #

      Alas, Carolyn, someday a talent agent may attempt to persuade you to have rhinoplasty or all other sorts of physical “adjustments” to make you more “marketable.”

      By the way, please have your Mum drop me a line, I’d love to catch up … mark@rightbrainpro.com

  2. Michael January 26, 2013 at 1:35 am #

    Your self-deprecating humor notwithstanding, I have to say that your flaws are spectacular, by which I mean that the very things that you castigate, are the quirks that make you at once beautiful and authentic. If any future lover needs any good advice, I’ll happily tell them that the sum is equal to (and greater than) the parts, and if you can’t keep up, your loss. I’m lucky to know you, and happy to know your smile lights up a small part of the world.

    Your nose is awesome (yes, all the connotations … take them all … do it!)!

  3. Nat October 2, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

    I just wanted to thank you for this!! Was feeling really down about my nose and having a pitty party over here until I read your post. You are so beautiful!

    • Carolyn December 27, 2013 at 11:33 am #

      Thank you so much! I appreciate it haha sometimes I have to remind myself that having a bulbous nose is about the biggest first world problem in the whole world. That helps me, too. I’m sure your nose is a beautiful nose!!!

  4. publishedthoughts March 20, 2014 at 4:40 pm #

    I love your posts, and I think your nose is awesome. I too have a nose that could be taken the wrong way…. Instead of fixing it I’m determined to be myself. I like your look. Beautiful and unique. I want my daughter to be a woman like you. Proud of who she is… I know it is hard in such a shallow world… but you look great and would simply fit in like everyone else without such a minor difference. When ever I feel like I should get a nose job I look at celebrity photos of before and after and I always like the before versions better. They look younger and more healthy. The after pictures look too similar. I also look at pictures of people with horrific disorders or burn victims and I think of ways to help them… charity work or donations. Spending time with them puts things in perspective. We are truly living with 1st world issues… like you said.

  5. publishedthoughts March 20, 2014 at 4:43 pm #

    I love your posts, and I think your nose is awesome. I too have a nose that could be taken the wrong way…. Instead of fixing it I’m determined to be myself. I like your look. Beautiful and unique. I want my daughter to be a woman like you. Proud of who she is… I know it is hard in such a shallow world… but you look great and would simply fit in like everyone else without such a minor difference. When ever I feel like I should get a nose job I look at celebrity photos of before and after and I always like the before versions better. They look younger and more healthy. The after pictures look too similar. I also look at pictures of people with horrific disorders or burn victims and I think of ways to help them… charity work or donations. Spending time with them puts things in perspective. We are truly living with 1st world issues… like you said.

  6. Mo March 23, 2014 at 9:43 pm #

    Your nose is similar to mine and I love it!!! I don’t really see many people who have noses like ours, which make us strikingly beautiful and unique! I was picked on in elementary school because of my nose and even considered surgery but then I saw a younger pic of a deceased grandaunt that I never got to meet and she looked exactly like me, same nose and all, I felt extremely proud of every trait I have on my face and body. It’s so amazing that we carry our ancestors genes and we our living and walking representations of them.

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