Away In A Manger No Crib for His… Hold Up. Where He At?

30 Dec

I was on Facebook a few days before Christmas, and I stumbled upon this link. Someone from my home town of Moundsville, West Virginia had posted this, and I couldn’t just not share it with all of you. It’s just that prime.

Now, you have to click on this link and read the entire article (It will probably take you 5 minutes, tops, if you’re a slow reader.)

Four Honest Questions I Have In Response To This Article:

1. Why? But like… just, why? First of all, let’s just review what that article told us: Someone is stealing the baby Jesus from various nativity scenes throughout the Ohio Valley. Okay. As tempted as I am to make some sort of “Well, that’s West Virginia for you!” crack, I won’t. Because I’m not outraged that someone is stealing the baby Jesus from various nativity scenes throughout the Ohio Valley. (I mean, I AM.  That’s a pretty terrible thing to do.) But anyone, anywhere can steal a baby Jesus from a nativity, not just in Moundsville, West Virginia. And I bet they have! I bet a bunch of people have stolen baby Jesuses (The plural of Jesus? How does that work… there’s only ONE Jesus…Jes-i?) But no, I’m not offended. And the reason I’m not offended is because I think I’m just too confused about this whole ordeal. My astounded confusion immediately trumps any outraged emotion I could possibly feel.

So… let’s break this down. We have a Jesus-napper here in Linkin Park. He’s climbing up your windows, snatchin’ your Jesus up. Ya’ll need to hide yo nativities, hide yo mangers, cuz they’re nappin’ erry Jesus up hurr.

I think what offends me most is the article itself. I mean, writing an ENTIRE article about this??? Is this what the town paper has to offer it’s loyal readers for weekly news? Is this truly one of the most exciting and important stories to report to the public?

2. Was the picture of the Jesus-less nativity really necessary? Once again, let’s review what has happened: The authors of this article actually took a picture of a Jesus-less nativity, and used it in the article. 

In case you missed it, or you were one of those lazy people who didn’t take the time to read the article or click the link, let’s just take a look at this.


I mean, as if it weren’t bad enough that three whole nativities were without the most important part of the scene, they actually photographed it, and then went on to DESCRIBE IT in the article: “Mary and Joseph remain where they were set up, looking down on an empty spot where Jesus should lay.” It’s like, yeah… we get it. We knew what it must look like when you told us “Someone stole Jesus.” And then, as if that’s not bad enough, you PHOTOGRAPH IT and then DESCRIBE what the photograph is.

I mean, why don’t we just caption it, “Mary and Joseph look pretty fricken dumb staring at a pile of hay, don’t they? This just sucks. Whoever did this sucks.”

3.) It just wouldn’t be the same without a grammar error, would it? “Every year, people go around and steal other people’s holiday decorations,” Moundsville Police Chief Tom Mitchell said Tuesday, noting it seems like a sort of annual holiday prank. “This time of year, we have a lot of incidents of thefts.”

…Really? This time of year, they have a lot of incidents of THEFTS? Plural thefts? Okay, so, it’s one thing to speak with incorrect grammar. It’s another to publish it, actually document it, and show it proudly to the world, as if to say, “HERE WORLD. HERE IS WHAT MOUNDSVILLE, WEST VIRGINIA HAS TO OFFER YOU.  WE STEAL THE BABY JESUS FROM NO LESS THAN THREE DIFFERENT NATIVITY SCENES, AND!!!! WE SPEAK AND WRITE WITH INCORRECT GRAMMAR. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!”

Something tells me that the world would, in fact, “leave it.”

4.) Why would anyone cut the baby Jesus from the nativity if he were WIRED to it? More importantly, WHO would use wire to shackle the infant savior to his makeshift crib?

“I know he (Baby Jesus) was wired down,” Higginson said. “They couldn’t just pick him up. They had to cut him loose.”

So, I guess people have tried to take Jesus before, which is pretty sad, so someone had to take drastic action. Someone took it upon themselves to use metal wire to imprison Baby Jesus to his crib. It was a precautionary measure, and I understand it…

And yet… Isn’t this almost WORSE than cutting Jesus free? I mean, someone was like, “LOOK JESUS. You’re a pretty cool dude for most of the year, with the whole teaching everybody how to act through leading by Jesus-y example… but during December? YOU’RE A BABY. Okay? An infant, helpless baby who represents all of the good and promise in the world! And you WILL sit here in this crib for the entirety of the month, come rain or come shine, and YOU WILL LIKE IT! Joseph, hold your stick. Mary, stop staring.”

Guys, seriously, I get it that for a small town, this kind of thing could be news. Okay? I get it. Small town America and all of that. And I’m in no way trying to offend anyone by writing this. I guess this whole thing just struck me as incredibly funny. And yet, knowing that I openly laughed at this article kind of makes a part of me ashamed. I don’t want to laugh at this. I don’t want to think this is funny! If someone stole the baby Jesus from my nativity scene, I would not be laughing. And they’re right! Especially with everything going on right now, it’s really not funny.

And yet… another part of me, a slightly louder part of me,  is like, “Why are you ashamed? This shit’s hilarious!”

It just reminds me of the Ball State Ass Slapper.

In case you don’t know what or who that is, that’s when Ball State University sent out an Emergency Alert to every single student and faculty member when two girls were slapped on the ass by some anonymous random passing dude on a bike.

Sure, it’s offensive. It’s not cool to just go around slapping unsuspecting girls on the butt when you ride by on your bike, no matter how tempting their derrieres may be. But the fact that they sent out an Emergency Alert to EVERYONE was positively laughable. It wasn’t a toxic gas leak… People weren’t dying…  It was some guy on a bike who yelled “WOO!” when he drove by and slapped two girls on their butts. (I’ve often pondered how me managed to do that without falling over and completely wiping out… He must have been one of those stoic bad asses who could ride his bike with no hands, which would then leave them free to ass slap, which I think is pretty bad… ass. See what I did there?

And sure, stealing baby Jesus isn’t cool, but is it important enough to write an entire news article about and take pictures of Jesus-less nativities and post them?

In conclusion: I’m just glad I’m not a small town news reporter.



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