Creating An Acceptable User Name Is Harder Than Writing Moving Poetry About Calculus

7 Nov

When a computer program asks me to create a “User Name,” I immediately feel self-conscious. ESPECIALLY if that user name is going to be seen by others.

In middle school, it was okay to have a “screen name” or “user name” that explained what you liked to do, with a seemingly random number or symbol at the end. For example:

Basketballdude08
TrackSTAR<3
BalletBab3

Sometimes, it was even socially acceptable to describe yourself with how you wish the world would perceive you. The following are actual screen names that I remember my friends having in middle school:

SexxiQT4U
BabiGurl34
UWannaPeace69
miDIXONu2nite (His last name was, you guessed it… Dixon.)

Once you get a little older, you realize that you should probably be a bit more professional, especially if future bosses or love interests will ever be exposed to this new name.

But that’s just the thing- It’s a new NAME. And it’s not like it’s the one you were given, because that’s easy. You’re born and if your parents name you something stupid, that’s their fault and you’re the one who learns to live with it. You make it work. It’s not your fault, or your choice. But with user names, you’re asked to rename yourself publicly. The judgement is imminent. You literally can’t escape it. People are GOING to see your user name, and they’re GOING to know you picked it.

And so, you decide- it’s time to act your age. It’s time to have a user name that is professional, mature, and has no *’s or <3’s at the end.

So you go to type in a new user name. You say, “Okay world! How about this!!!” You type in your first letter of your first name, and combine it with your last name. There. Can’t get any more professional than that, can it!? For example:

You: JSmith.

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You sit there staring at the computer like… what? Okay fine. I’ll add my birthday onto it!

You: JSmith03

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

Okay, you think. My name isn’t THAT uncommon. Of COURSE that’s already taken. So you try again.

You: JSmith003

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You: JBSmith003

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You: …. JBSmith00300

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You decide it’s time to up your game. You’re determined to find a professional, completely socially acceptable user name that hasn’t already been taken by some jerk somewhere in Guam, who just happens to have the same name and birthday as you.

You: SmithyJB3

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You: JustinSmith300

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You sit at the computer for a few seconds. You really wrack your brains. Maybe you can combine your name and make it into something professional, yet unique. Witty, but not too in-your-face with puns or innuendos. A HAH! You finally think of something good! Like, REALLY good! NO ONE WILL HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE!!!!

You: SmithJustIn

You click enter, thoroughly pleased with yourself.

You: Damn, I’m good!

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You: … Are you serious!? That was a good one!!! UHhhh… okay. Okay, FINE. How about…(Typing) Smith003JustinB

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You: … JSmithUstinB3

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You: WHAT THE-

At this point, you’re pretty sure that there is either A. Something wrong with the computer system you’re trying to access or B. Something SERIOUSLY wrong with the world, overpopulation being one of the top issues. You decide a new approach.

You: JustinLikesCupcakes003

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

You: … JustinsGracefulThighs4Eva.

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

Fine, you say. Forget trying to be professional. I will just make up the most ridiculous user name in the entire universe and keep it because I KNOW no one else will have it!!!

You: MonkeyPassionXXX

You press enter, and hold your breath… This could be it. This could be your new user name! And you know what? At this point, you don’t even care. You just want something to work! You just want a user name!!!! You wait, breath held, pulse racing, sweat accumulating, all in heightened anticipation!!! And then suddenly-

Computer: We’re sorry, but that user name is already taken. Try again!

And for a moment, you’re filled with the most ridiculous… confusion, frustration, and… appalled anger… that somewhere, on this planet, someone had the audacity to actually rename themselves MonkeyPassionXXX. ALL YOU WANT TO DO… is have a NEW user name… that isn’t embarrassing…. and THIS guy… was able to create “MonkeyPassionXXX” and get away with it!?!?! WHO IS THIS GUY!?

You decide to do something drastic.

You: UserName.

Computer: Thank you! Your new user name is: UserName.

You shut the computer and decide that you don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

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One Response to “Creating An Acceptable User Name Is Harder Than Writing Moving Poetry About Calculus”

  1. Ched Oldham November 12, 2012 at 11:48 pm #

    Hi there, what a funny blog you put together. I am laughing out loud and Sandra came in and was like, “What the heck are you LAUGHING at?” and I’m like, “Read this,” and she’s like, “I’m watching Dancing With the Stars,” and I’m like, “Isn’t it on Hulu?” and she’s like “Nevermind” and walks back into the living room. So I guess I will have to keep my laughing controlled from now on, but I’ll keep on QUIETLY chuckling. You’ve got the skills. Failing to succeed is succeeding to fail….something to think about as you move forward into the Real World (not Disney World, but we’ll be there soon…).

    -C-

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