The Third Wheel Lament

18 Oct

Day 38 of the 90 in 90 blog challenge.

My sister’s boyfriend causes me to ask myself “Where is my husband?” daily.

He comes in the door after a long day of work and classes from his grad school of business wearing perfectly ironed khaki slacks, a crisp button up, and a tie. He has the smile of Price Charming and the disposition of a golden retriever, or a chocolate lab or something masculine but still adorable, but still able to protect and defend you when sh*t goes down. He’s the kind of guy you want your parents to meet, your friends to smile and roll their eyes at, and your gay guy friends to casually check out and say,”YEAAAAASSSSSa!” with two thumbs up when he’s not looking. My sister lights up when she sees him. Her whole face gets brighter and her eyes get bigger (if that’s even physically possible… she has HUGE eyes…) and she starts talking up higher because she’s excited. He greets her with a grin from ear to ear, a sweet kiss, and a voice that says, “Hey girls, how are you two?!” but really means “I’ve missed you Caitlyn, today was horrible, I just wanted to be here with you and only you. …Carolyn, can you like…get out.”

And as I sit at the kitchen table and listen to their dialogue…

Caitlyn: I’m so excited for tomorrow! It’s our one year anniversary!
Taylor: I know, baby, me too! Seriously I’ve been looking forward to this for forever!
Me: (Thinking) Well, can’t have been waiting longer than one year…
Caitlyn: (squealing and jumping around like a 4 year old) We’re going to DC! We’re going to DC! You’re taking me to Washington, DC!
Taylor: (Arms curling up like a victorious Spartan) TOMORROWWW!!
Caitlyn: Wanna see what I’m gonna wear on the plane?!?
Taylor: (No… But I love you, so I’ll say-) Um… sure!
(Caitlyn exits)

…I’m left in the kitchen with Taylor. He asks me how my day was, looks in on my room to see what more I’ve accomplished with moving in/decorating, and tells me he’s a little hungry when I ask. I make the two of us some tuna with Ritz crackers. He makes me laugh by talking in stupid voices and teasing me about my prominent nose. I tell him I’ll kill him.

And I see them skip around the apartment like two kids on Christmas morning, only it’s not Christmas morning, it’s just some Thursday night. And I see how happy he makes her, and how he looks at her when she’s talking to someone else and doesn’t know that he’s looking, and how she’s able to be herself around him, and how he can laugh at himself, and how they both reach for the other’s hand at the exact same time, and how he picks her up like she weighs nothing, and how he wants her to sit near him, and how she cooks for him like it’s her job…

And I SEE all of this and I just sit at the kitchen table, or on the couch, and I look at the empty chair beside me and I drink a beer, and I’m forced to ask myself: Where is my husband?

Where is he? No, but like… what is keeping him? He isn’t late or anything, like I’m not in any crazy RUSH to “find my husband” but… This kind of sucks. Especially when the happiest two love humans in the entire world are frolicking around kissing each other singing playing packing and planning their romantic weekend getaway while I sit on the couch and contemplate if watching the entire first two seasons of “Pretty Little Liars” during their absence would be a good way to spend my time, or if it would result in a toxic hate spiral of self-pity and general self-loathing.

It’s kind of a joke the three of us have now. Any time I’m REALLY feeling like the third wheel, I’ll mutter to myself, “Where is my husband?” and then Caitlyn and Taylor will burst our laughing and try to make me feel included. But I want to be like “No, guys, it’s totally fine. I get it. No need to make this bicycle a tricycle, ya feel me? I’ll just be a unicycle over here for a while until my husband gets here. It’s cool.”  For example:

Scene One: “In The Backseat”

Caitlyn: Do I look pretty with my sweaty disgusting hair like this? (She wraps her hair around her face to make it look like a beard, and she makes an absolutely repulsive face.)
Taylor: (reaching over and grabbing her hand sentimentally) You always look pretty, baby.
(They laugh. Caitlyn leans over. They kiss. Beat.)
Me: (From the backseat.) …Where is my husband?

Scene Two: “Making Dinner”

Caitlyn: Can you please hand me that?
Taylor: Of course! Mmm that smells so good. GOD I love your cooking!
Caitlyn: (Laughing) What do you want to drink?
Taylor: No no no, I’ll get the drinks, you’re cooking everything-
Caitlyn: No, it’s fine, I can-
Taylor: NO, I’m getting the drinks. Don’t argue with me or you get no kisses.
Caitlyn: You’re a liar.
Taylor: (Leaning in) Kiss?
(They kiss.)
Taylor: Okay, do you wanna drink the wine I got us last week?
Caitlyn: No, that’s okay.
Taylor: But I bought us some wiinneee!
Caitlyn: Let’s save it for after dinner or something, I don’t wanna get all sleepy.
Taylor: Okay, if you say so.
Caitlyn: P.S. You look really good in that shirt.
Taylor: Really?
Caitlyn: Yeah! You seriously look really good. Like, sexy… yet professional. Doesn’t he, Carolyn?
Me: Where is my husband?

Scene Three: Love Over Tacos

(Sitting at a table at Tijuana Flats. After a long fake-argument full of flirting, eye-batting, belly laughing, and prominent displays of general romantic happiness and satisfaction…)
Taylor: (looking at Caitlyn intently) You’re the best.
Caitlyn: (looking at Taylor intently) I love you.
Me: (looking at the empty fourth chair beside me.) You look really good tonight.

It’s fine, though. I love how happy they make each other. And honestly? It makes me laugh when I am able to make them laugh with my self deprecating humor. He makes my sister so happy I can’t really get too sad while he’s around.

PLUS, I mean if we’re being HONEST….my husband is probably doing something really awesome, like lifting weights in a Barnes and Noble or something. So, there’s that. He’s just getting super awesome for me, and so I’m going to try to get super awesome for HIM… by working out and, like… learning how to cook delicious steak or something. And you know what? I’m able to joke about being lonely and sad and everything, but I’m not really anxious.

I am willing to wait as long as it takes to find someone who makes me as happy as my sister’s boyfriend makes her.


2 Responses to “The Third Wheel Lament”

  1. jcchamberlain October 19, 2012 at 3:12 am #

    Would you write a fucking book already?

    You’re stuff gets better and better. Keep it up.

    • movingonmyown October 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

      Agreed. Seriously Carolyn, write a book. I’ll buy it 🙂

Say Something About This... Or, you know, just something. In general. About anything.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: