Why I Never Completed My Creative Writing Minor

I went to college hoping to complete a bachelor of fine arts in musical theatre with a minor in creative writing. After my first year, I realized that I would not complete college in 4 years if I wanted to complete my minor. I was NOT about to call home and tell my parents they would be paying for an extra year of out of state tuition, and so, in a moment of weakness, I dropped the minor.

Scary Honors Advisor Woman: Do you want to drop your minor?
Me: (weakly) …Yes…?
Scary Honors Advisor Woman: (CLICK CLICK CLICK) It is done.

I spent a miserable year writing angst-y poetry in my dorm room in between the magical hours of 1 am and 3 am because I couldn’t write in any of my theatre classes. 34 angst-ridden poems and one year later, and I had had it. I NEEDED to write. I could no longer deny myself the structured effects that a classroom had on my written words. I HAD TO GET MYSELF BACK INTO THE MINOR.

And so, on a dreary Friday morning, I woke up at 7:30 am  I was going to go into my advisor’s office and DEMAND that she reverse whatever dreadful buttons she had pressed on that fateful day exactly one year ago. The sky was dark and gray, and I couldn’t find my rain boots. It’s alright, I thought. I’ll walk quickly and get to the Honors office before it rains.

I grabbed my book bag and briskly walked outside. I hoped to get to the office, proclaim my major again, and maybe even grab a bagel at the Atrium before my first class at 9:00. Everything was going according to plan. I was even starting to fantasize about the screen writing class available next semester. Then, suddenly, and without warning, a purple Volkswagon full of what appeared to be Mormons pulled up beside me.

Questionable Mormon #1: (leaning out of the window) Hey! Do you need a ride? It’s going to storm soon, you’ll never get to where you’re going in time!
Questionable Mormon #2: Yeah! Come on in!
Me: Um… Well…
Questionable Mormon #1: Just get in!
(A crack of thunder rolls in the distance.)

My first grade education was screaming at me: DO NOT GET IN CARS WITH STRANGERS, EVEN IF THEY APPEAR TO BE FRIENDLY MORMONS. But the thunder rolled again, and this time it was followed by a purple pitchfork of lightning.

Me: Well… alright…

I waited awkwardly for Questionable Mormon #2 to get out of the passenger’s seat so I could climb into the back seat. I muttered, “Ooh, um, thanks…” as I climbed in.

Questionable Mormon #1: (pressing on the gas just a little too hard) So! Um, where are you headed?
Me: The Honor’s college please. This is so weird, haha… thank you for picking me up! I really probably wouldn’t have made it…
Questionable Mormon #2: Well, we’re not headed in that direction, are we?
Questionable Mormon #1: No! No we’re not…
Me: Oh… well, um-
Questionable Mormon #1: You see, stranger… uh, what’s your name?
Me: Carolyn?
Questionable Mormon #1: You see, Carolyn, we were actually hoping you could help us out with something…
(The car suddenly turns down a dark alley, towards the Downtown section of my college town… The complete OPPOSITE direction of the campus. The sky has suddenly become black, and a few raindrops scatter on the windshield.)
Me: Um… you two wouldn’t happen to be Mormons, would you?
(There is a stunned silence in the car. Then-)
Both: BAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Questionable Mormon #1: No, no, Carolyn!
Questionable Mormon #2: No! We certainly are NOT Mormons!
Both: BAA HHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!
Me: Oh… so, then… um, where are we going? And why aren’t you taking me towards campus?
Questionable Mormon #2: You’ll get there soon enough. Don’t you worry about that… no. Don’t you… worry your pretty little face.

Suddenly, the car lurched to a halt. I hit my head on the seat in front of me, and heard Questionable Mormon #2 hit his head on the dashboard.

Questionable Mormon #2: What the HELL!?!?!?!?!
Questionable Mormon #1: There was a cat!
Questionable Mormon #2: ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!?!?!
Questionable Mormon#1: WELL I COULDN’T JUST HIT IT!
Questionable Mormon #2: And THIS is why you never drive! Oh, poor me, I never get to drive, he says. Let ME drive this time, just this once! He says. And do you SEE what happens! (He turns around and looks at me) DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH!?
Questionable Mormon #1: I’m sorry!
Questionable Mormon #2: No. No, you know what? Stop the car.
Questionable Mormon #1: What?
Questionable Mormon #2: YOU HEARD ME! STOP THIS CAR! You just lost your driving privileges.
Questionable Mormon #1: Whaaaat!?!?
Questionable Mormon #2: FOR THE WEEK! Do NOT make me remind you what happened last time. Remember the mayonnaise? Do you? The mayo?

The car lurched to a halt, and Questionable Mormon #1 actually became a bit teary.

Questionable Mormon #1: (Very pointed.) I thought. We agreed. To never talk. About that.
Questionable Mormon #2: Get out.

Without another moment’s hesitation, both Questionable Mormons opened their doors and started to do the slowest Chinese fire drill I’ve ever seen. It was now or never. I grabbed my book bag and exploded out of the passenger’s side, sprinting as fast as I could through the rain. I didn’t stop. I didn’t think. All I knew was that I needed to get as far away from the Mormons as possible. I heard a muffled scream from behind me, something that sounded like “Hey! Hey wait! She’s getting away!!!” and then the scuffling sound of a body falling to the street. I didn’t look back. I ducked into an ally, cut across a side street, and kept running towards campus. The rain was falling in sheets, the wind was blowing so forcefully I could barely breathe against it, and still, I managed to keep running…. That may have been the creepiest and most absurd thing to ever happen to me, but I had escaped! Not only that, but I knew if I didn’t hurry now, I’d never be able to grab a bagel in the Atrium before my 9 am.

I ran for as long as I could, but I soon had to start walking. It was no use. I was out of shape. I KNEW I should have made going to the gym a bigger priority, but I was so busy with rehearsals and term papers and projects and-

Homeless Rodeo Clown: Hey! Hey you!
Me: Excuse me?
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Yeah! You!
Me: I’m sorry, I really can’t talk, I-
Homeless Rodeo Clown: It’ll only take a second. Look, I’m in a bit of a jam.
Me: I’m sorry, but I’ve already been through so much this morning, and it’s not even 10 o’ clock, I really can’t-
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Wanna make fifty bucks?
Me: … I’m listening.
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Look. I’m gonna level with you. I’m as broke… as an old fence post in December!!!!
Me:
Homeless Rodeo Clown: … Get it?
Me: …No. Not really.
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Aw shoot. Okay. It’s because there’s a lot of snow in December? So, if a lot of snow gets on an old fence post, it’ll probably break, right? Right!?!?
Me:
Homeless Rodeo Clown: What aboouuutt… I’m as broke… AS A PC!?!?!
Me:
Homeless Rodeo Clown: You have a mac, right? PC’s are shit.
Me:
Homeless Rodeo Clown: They’re always breaking? Always getting viruses? VIRUSES. THAT’S IT! Here, look, listen to this…. I’m sick, I’m REAL sick, I’m as sick as… A PC!!!!
Me:
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Ya get it!? Viruses!? It’s a play on words, because PC’s well, they’re always coming down with…. Alright, well, never mind. Anyway!!! Look, the POINT IS! I’m a clown.
Me: Yeah… I can see that. You’re dressed in clown pants and you have a red nose.
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Yeah it squeaks too, look watch! (He squeezes his nose)
Nose: SQUEAK SQUEAK!
Me:
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Yeah. So look. I’ve been doing the clown gig for a few years now, you know, the usual clown stuff, birthday parties… Craft fairs… birthday parties… the occasional funeral…!!!
Me:
Homeless Rodeo Clown: … You get it? Funeral?!
Me: …What?
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Okay, okay never mind. Look. I’m trying to get into the stand up scene. You know how they have stand up comedians in the bars in the Village sometimes?
Me: Yeaaah…
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Well look. I’m trying to, you know, sort of try my luck at some stand up sometime. What do you think?
Me: What do you mean, what do I think? Look, I have somewhere to be-
Homeless Rodeo Clown: (Grabbing my soaking wet shirt and pulling my face close to his) DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE A SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN AFTER TALKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW!?!?!?!
Me: Um, yeah… sure! Please let go.
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Really!?
Me: Yeah, now let me go!
(He lets go.)
Homeless Rodeo Clown: Hey.. hey thanks a lot! You know, that really just means a lot, coming from you.
Me: What? You don’t even know-
Homeless Rodeo Clown: ITS JUST SO HARD SOMETIMES!!!!!
(He falls to the ground and starts rubbing off his already smearing make up on the side of a wet piece of cardboard.)
Me: Aw, come on now… don’t do that…
Homeless Rodeo Clown: DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING A CLOWN FOR A LIVING!?!?!
Me: Well, I-
Homeless Rodeo Clown: DO YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING THE BUTT OF EVERYONE’S JOKES!?!?!
Me: I’m sure that has to be-
Homeless Rodeo Clown: DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE A SIX YEAR OLD TELL YOU THAT YOU’RE A FAILURE?!?! DO YOU!?!?!
Me: No, I’ve-
Homeless Rodeo Clown: BECAUSE I DO!!!! He was SIX!
Me: Hey, look, I’m sorry, but-
Homeless Rodeo Clown: He looked me dead in the eye and said, “I feel funny around you” and I said “Good funny?” and he said “No” and I said “like ha-ha funny?” and he said “no” and I said “like the funny clown made you LAUGH funny!?!” and HE said “No. I feel embarrassed for you.”
Me:
Homeless Rodeo Clown: HE WAS SIX!
Me: Are you going to tell me how to make fifty bucks or not?
Homeless Rodeo Clown: … What?
Me: Never mind.

I continued down the street, ignoring his calls and cries of protest. I HAD to get to the Honors college. I HAD to proclaim my creative writing minor again. I HAD to get to my 9 am class. These were the things I needed to do. I kept walking through the rain, which had thankfully begun to slow. It was now just a light drizzle. The rest of my walk was relatively uneventful. That is, until-

Helicopter wings: TUTTUTTUTTUTTUTTUTTUTTUTTUT!
MEGAPHONE VOICE: YOU THERE! HALT!
Me: What the-
MEGAPHONE VOICE: WE’VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED! PUT. THE BAG. DOWN!
Me: What in the-
MEGAPHONE VOICE: I REPEAT! PUT THE BAG DOWN, AND PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD.
Me: Oh my God!
(I immediately put the bag down, and put my hands on my head.)
Me: (Yelling up to the helicopter) You’ve got the wrong girl!
MEGAPHONE VOICE: WHAT?
Me: YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG GIRL!
MEGAPHONE VOICE: …NO WE DON’T.
Me: Yes you do!
MEGAPHONE VOICE: NO WE DO NOT.
Me: But I haven’t DONE anything! I’m just trying to get to the Honors college!!!
Helicopter Wings: TUTTUTTUTTUTTUTTUTTUTTUT!!!!
MEGAPHONE VOICE: WHAaaaaAAAAT!?
Me: I! AM! INNOCENT! I NEED TO GET TO AN APPOINTMENT!
MEGAPHONE VOICE: DO NOT MOVE! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!

Suddenly, and entire fleet of police men cornered me with AK47’s. They all started screaming orders at me, and a tank rolled out from behind a building.

Me: HOLY-
POLICEMEN: STAND UP PUT YOUR HANDS UP GET DOWN ROLL OVER STAND STILL MOVE TO THE LEFT NO YOUR OTHER LEFT STOP DROP AND ROLL SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL DO THE MACCARANA NOW EVERYBODY TOGETHER LEFT RIGHT LEFT AGAIN HANDS UP RIGHT HAND IN LEFT HAND OUT SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT!!!!
ME: I DON’T KNOW WHY ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!! I JUST WANT TO PROCLAIM A CREATIVE WRITING MAJOR BEFORE MY FIRST CLASS!!!
HELICOPTER VOICE: WERE YOU OR WERE YOU NOT WITH TWO MEN IN SUITS THIS MORNING IN A VOLKSWAGEN BUG!?
Me: For the love of all things-
HELICOPTER VOICE: ANSWER MY QUESTION!
Me: Yes, but I don’t even know-
POLICEMEN: STAND STILL!  DROP DOWN! SHAKE YOUR TAIL FEATHER!
Helicopter Wings: TUTTUTTTUTTUTTUTTTUTTTUTTUTTTUTTU!!!!
HELICOPTER VOICE: WHAAAAAAAT???
Me: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE!!!!

Then the police men cornered me, grabbed my book bag, and searched me. Suddenly, they extracted a wad of cash.

Me: Hey… that’s not mine!

They then proceeded to count it. Fifty dollars, exactly.

Me: Okay, look, I know this may sound weird, but there was this clown earlier and he told me I could make fifty-

Then, out of no where, the Homeless Rodeo Clown jumped out of the helicopter, did a quadruple pirouette in midair, and landed in a perfect passe. He pointed in my face. His red nose was on the tip of his pointing finger.

Homeless Rodeo Clown: BAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!

THEN! The MORMONS CAME OUT FROM AROUND A CORNER AND STARTED THROWING PAPER PLANES AT ME AND SCREAMING THE DIFFERENT NAMES OF HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES!

AND THEN! A CAT ARMY STARTED SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE AND IT STARTED SNOWING AND A MAIL MAN DELIVERED A PACKAGE TO ME AND I SIGNED FOR IT AND I OPENED IT AND IT WAS A DIPLOMA SAYING THAT I WOULD NEVER GRADUATE WITH HONORS, A BFA, AND A MINOR IN CREATIVE WRITING! SO I STARTED TO CRY AND THE MORMONS POINTED AND LAUGHED AND IT BEGAN TO RAIN MAYONNAISE AND THEN THE MORMONS SCREAMED AND RAN AND THEIR SKIN DISSOLVED AND I GREW A BABY ARM AND THEN THE CAT ARMY ALL TURNED INTO BEAVERS AND SLOTHS AND THEN-

I woke up. And I was late for my 9 am. And I decided I would be better off not doing a minor in creative writing.

The end.