Craigslist; Or Should I Say, “Cray-gslist?” because people are NUTS.

6 Oct

Day 26 of the 90 in 90 blog challenge.

Craigslist- Our society’s way of getting insane-o bargains on selected merchandise from absolute strangers. See also: A social gamble, one that could go perfectly well or horrifyingly wrong.

Every time I relocate, I know I can expect two things: One, that my mother will be there to help me through it all, and two: We will definitely be Craislisting at one point or another.

And you know what? I’ve accepted it. Not only have I accepted it, but in a sick and masochistic sort of way, I look forward to it. I look forward to the search, the disappointment, the excitement when you find just what you’ve been looking for. It’s like a digital garage sale. You NEVER know what you’re going to find! I even look forward to moving all of the crap from their place to mine. Once you do it one time and get over the creepiness of it all, you start to realize that as long as you’re smart and don’t go frolicking off alone into some greasy man’s house who has advertised for “FREE FREE FREE COSMETICS AND PERFUME AND LADY ITEMS THAT ALL LADYZ NEED,” you’ll be okay! Not only okay… but you’ll get unbelievable deals on some gorgeous furniture. You just have to know how to work the system.

And just how does one “work the Craigslist system?” Well, as I mentioned before, you can’t just go frolicking off into just anyone’s house. You have to be smart about your body, your choices, your money, your life. The best way to avoid getting kidnapped and raped on a smelly, stained, bug-infested queen mattress somewhere is to judge the absolute sh*t out of everyone online. Have you always wanted to be a critic? Now’s your chance. And I mean go big or go home with your judging. You can tell a LOT from a person, just by how they advertise their products. I literally cannot tell you how many times I said “People are NUTS!” while searching for my furniture… Human beings truly are unbelievable. Like, I am actually unable to believe their actions…

Here are a few examples of actual listings that I came across while searching for my bedroom furniture. I have literally copied and pasted these listings. I have not even changed so much as an apostrophe (or lack thereof.) Pay attention to spelling, diction, price, and syntax… These are real life.

I have an expensive Large light green high end loveseat ..
It was bought by a friend of mine 10 years ago and sat in her
business office.

It has a whimical quirky shape. Unique and comfortable.

It is in very good condition. Not absolutely perfect but the
price is no longer $1250, but because of light wear, you can have it for $125.

  • DRAGON LIGHT FIXTURE “NEW”$250. New in box, NEVER BEEN USED.

(They then proceed to post a picture of the DRAGON LIGHT FIXTURE hanging up in their living room.)

  • BUMP BED $ 150. Looking to sell a black bump bed that has a full size bed on the bottom that can also fold up into a couch, it was used by my 2 year old son but I decide to get him and his sister matching bed sets, everything is include now missing major parts. if interest please call *07-*01-901* Terrell….I will be putting pics up shortly….

(I guess two dollars less than 600 dollars is considered “inexpense.”)

  • FURNITURE THAT KEEPS ITS VALUE NOT IKEA CRAP!

(Somebody has a hard time putting furniture together by looking at the pictures, huh? Don’t we?)

(…the hell is a vintage plastic flower holder mirror?!?)

…Oh. Okay. Sensible.

This brings me to my next point. While these listings may be a little humorous, I feel that things really get interesting once you start pairing listings with their appropriate photograph counterparts. It’s absolutely unbelievable what some people will post online in hopes of potential buyers becoming even more interested in their merchandise. For example:

ANTIQUE VANITY- $350
Nice vanity Call Steve 

Eh, kind of looks a little ruff.

This next picture was featured in a set of 7 pictures, each one showcasing a piece of a bedroom set. This was the “bedside table” image:

I can’t remember the listings for the next two pictures, I just saved them to my desktop because they were so unbelievable:

Wait for it…. Wait for iiiit…

Human-eating couch. Remote and toddler not included.

This next one was my favorite, though. I really think this one just takes the cake.

UNIQUE BEDROOM SET- $450
The is a crack in the mirror on the left side of the head board. (see picture)
Cost to replace the mirror was quoted at $275, but can be easily covered. I used a vase of silk flowers.

…But like… You can’t be serious.

Not only am I appalled that this is the picture chosen to showcase this man’s “Unique” headboard, but I’m also pleasantly surprised that he took the time to discuss ways to cover the crack in the mirror: “I used a vase of silk flowers.” Oh! Did you, now? Such a considerate man.

There isn’t really a good way to end this post, so I’ll leave you with this…

We came across this listing, and although I did not need a futon, I almost contacted the person to ask if I could be their friend, or maybe just grab a cup of coffee sometime….(As before, I have not altered a single thing on this listing. A complete copy-paste.)

Demonic futon$150.

This is seriously the worst futon ever. I feel like my back is going to break every time I lay down on it, this shit is fucking uncomfortable! I bought it from Ikea and I’m hoping if I post this futon from hell on here I can get my money back. If you want it I will throw in a memory foam for free because I am so nice. It makes it feel a little better honestly. With out it I feel like I’m sleeping on a pile of jagged rocks and scrap metal (which is probably what the god forsaken thing is made out of anyways). It opens and closes really easy and will probably eat you in your sleep. Don’t even try and fit 2 people on the edge of it while it is in bed position because it WILL tip over and you WILL snap your neck. This thing is pretty big too. It fits two full size human bodies, two cats, and a 50lb dog on it.

I guess the only plus to this futon is the bars at each side. Makes it easier to tie people up if you’re into BDSM or human sacrifice, in that case this thing doesn’t really need to be too comfortable.

In the first photo you can clearly see a demon face in the tree watching over the futon.

Please respond if interested in my haunted futon.

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