The Perfect Man… Physically Speaking, Of Course.

19 Sep

Day 9 of the 90 in 90 blog challenge.

I’d like to start this post off the right way, so let’s all just take one moment to pause, observe, and reflect on the beauty that is… Joe Manganiello.

Exhibit A… As In “A Great Big Hunk Of Man Meat Just Waiting For Me To OM NOM NOM BITE It!”

But like… How is this even fair? Not only for women and gay men, who will surely be left staring at the computer screen with their jaw literally unhinged from their face, but for all of the straight guys out there, too? How are you possibly supposed to make your body look like this in real life?!? It’s like when I look at pictures of Adriana Lima. I just look at that woman and I can’t even begin to be jealous because it’s not even a comparison. It’s not like, “Oh, you have nice thighs, I’m jealous of them.” No. That bitch has nice EVERYTHING. And I am perfectly okay with that. I respect that. But guys… where are you going to find an Adriana Lima in real life, am I right? And WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND JOE!?

I’m writing this because I recently had a wonderful, 3 hour phone conversation with my mother about a week ago. During this time, we managed to talk about anything and everything, but one of the topics that stands out in my memory was when my mother asked gently…

Mom: Well, honey, if you were to pick out your perfect man, what would he be?
Me: (Embarrassed, hesitant) Oh gosh, Mom, I don’t know…
Mom: Come on now! Strictly physically speaking. What’s your type? Who do you find incredibly attractive?
Me: (Immediately) Alcide on True Blood.
Mom: …Who?
Me: Do yourself a favor and just google search “Alcide True Blood.” You by your computer? Yeah, do it.
(Fifteen second pause. I hear the clicking of her keyboard.)
Mom: (breathy, distant) Oh… oh, my.
Me: Yeah. You’re welcome.

It’s not even the fact that the man plays a werewolf who can kick some serious supernatural bee-hind. (Because, let’s face it, ladies and gays, that’s pretty hot… “Oh, I’m sorry, you just want to run in here without a shirt on, morph into a wolf, and eat whoever/whatever is attacking me? That’s cool… No, yeah, go right ahead, please. I’ll just be over here drooling in the corner, waiting for you to finish.”) I think the thing that really gets me is the fact that Joe is so large around his middle section. Do you know what I mean? I want a man to feel big in my hands, someone whose waist doesn’t even come CLOSE to being the same size as mine. There is just, something so incredibly sexy about a ripped, huge man waist that I can’t put my finger on… but I’d like to put my whole hand on… and maybe my cheek… and lips… OKAaaaYYY! Next specimen!

Andrew Garfield

Exhibit B… as in “B my boyfriend.”

Andrew, I don’t think you realize what you do to me. Andrew Garfield was the first actor I’ve ever stopped listening to during a movie because I was so distracted with his physical appearance. I literally had to keep asking DJ, “Wait, what did he just say?” And DJ would reply with, “Shh.. I’m watching his arms.” That’s really saying something, coming from a girl who is usually so wrapped up in a movie that someone could literally start to pee on my lap and it would be about 15 seconds before I realized what was happening. But like… look at that smoky sensual gaze! Look at those ARMS.

Oh, you know, I’m Andrew, I just manage to look adorable no matter what I’m currently wearing or doing.

Look at that SMILE. Ladies and gays, correct me if I’m wrong when I say there something deliciously adorable and irresistible about a man who smiles like a little boy. Call me creepy, but I think that is one of the best features a man can have. Huge, rough, manly-man I’ll-take-down-any-jerk-who-over-steps-his-boundries body, but adorable little-boy happy-cuz-I-got-a-sticker-on-my-spelling-test smile.

“Aaand I also manage to look really mature and professional in a suit, while still retaining my little boy smile that you love so much. No big thing.”

But like… I can’t. GET THIS MAN IN MY LIFE IMMEDIATELY! 

OH. Well, this is awkward… Hi Emma. Sorry about that. I was just saying how irresistible your co-star and now BOYFRIEND Andrew Garfield is… Girl. Do you even know how good you have it? Just look at that splattered-with-blood-spilt-for-you torso and that disturbingly defined tricep… But anyway! How about you keep being beautiful and talented and dating Andrew Garfield, and I’ll keep moving right along to the next subject. Truce?

Hugh Jackman

Exhibit C… As in, “C my muscles in 3, 2, 1…”

‘Cause like… I actually just can’t.

Dear Hugh,
So… Let me just clear a few things up. For me. Okay, so… Not only are you ripped as shit, but you’re also from Australia. You can also sing and dance while still retaining your masculinity, and not only that, but you sing and dance VERY well. Let’s see, I’m looking at your resume here, and… Yep, that’s right, you’ve been on Broadway. But… you’re also the Wolverine.
Okay! Glad we cleared that up. I am 23, still single (I know, It’s a miracle right!?) So, feel free to have your people call my people. I’ll try to pencil you in, but I can’t make any promises. Except for the promise to marry you. K… Byeee.

So, I guess to answer my mom’s question of who the perfect man is for me, strictly physically speaking, these three gentlemen would be prime examples. Of course, being completely attracted to the physical aspect of a man is hardly all that matters… It just really helps when you’re 56, really pissed off at each other, and have to sleep in the same bed as him… 

But my perfect man wouldn’t just have the body of a god…

He would also be smart. I mean REALLY smart.
Someone who knows about things that I don’t… Like math. And cars. And politics. And how to fix a toilet.
Someone who has valid opinions, who can voice them in an intelligent and passionate manner.
Someone who can make me laugh like none other.
Someone who feels just as proud that he got me, as I feel proud that I got him.
Someone who likes dirty jokes, candlelight, and classical piano.
Someone who can cook steak just the way I like it, and leave cooking the pasta to me.
I want a man who makes me feel like a woman, a lady, the epitome of what those words and concepts mean.
I want someone who is creative, spontaneous, decisive.
Someone who can take charge when I need them to, but always takes my wishes into account.
Someone who plans little surprises here and there, a note in my pocket or on the dashboard of my car, just to let me know I’m still his #1.
Oh, and for the love of all things grammatically correct, he would know the differences between “Their” “They’re” “There” “Your” “You’re” “To” “Too”  and “Two,” and would use them correctly in EVERY text/letter/message.
He’d be a good father. Loving, strong. A good role model.
He’d be a prankster, always keeping me on my toes.
He’d like to sit in the corner and read old books while I write my newest novel.
And he’d still like making out with me, even after years and years of doing it.

While posting pictures of celebrities and ogling their muscles and imagining a “Mr. Perfect” is fun and everything, there really is a bit of truth behind it all. “There are too many mediocre things in this world. Love should not be one of them.” This quote has stuck with me for quite some time now. And sometimes, it takes a good quote, some serious self-evaluation, and a 3 hour phone conversation with your Mother to make you realize that you don’t have to settle for anything. You can be picky. You can be really picky, if you want. Because why shouldn’t you be? Why shouldn’t you hold out for someone who makes you wanna lala? Am I right!?

And, I mean, ogling a few pictures of Joe doesn’t exactly hurt, either.

You’re welcome.

….Oh, and for all you straight guys out there. If you’ve managed to make it through this estrogen-filled rant of ridiculous requests, here. I figured I’d reward you with some Adriana. 

You’re welcome.

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One Response to “The Perfect Man… Physically Speaking, Of Course.”

  1. ungali April 19, 2013 at 4:13 am #

    That last picture … you’ve just introduced me to a whole new world of hilarious. Thank you.

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