The Day I Realized My Life Is An Actual Joke

8 Aug

A girl dressed in spanky shorts ran onstage. She just… decided that she wanted to be on the stage with us. Immediately.

At first she stood down at the edge of the stage and screamed with her arms outstretched towards us, as if she were at a Ke$ha concert and had just taken her first shot… ever… with Ke$ha herself. But then the opening number was completed (“IT’S AMERICA!”) and she freaked out even more.


During her screaming cheering display of bouncing breasts and jiggling thighs, she pranced onstage. Then she decided to strike a pose like the rest of us. No one really knew what to do, so we all just stayed frozen in place. I think I heard DJ mutter “Whhaaaaat???” and Dallas said, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” I just tried to keep smiling, but I’m sure my eyes gave me away.

Later, backstage, before running on for “I Like It, I Love It,” I was able to catch a quick word with Layke “The Way” Jones. He didn’t look so hot.

Me: Hey- you okay?
Layke: (Frustrated and sweaty) Yeah mm, I don’t know. People like that really just piss me off.
Me: You mean that girl?
Layke: Yeah, I mean it’s just like, people don’t give a shit if we’re up here or not. You know?
Me: Oh. Yeah, I know.
Layke: (Working himself up) She just- walked right onto the stage! Like hello? We’re in the middle of a performance! You’re just going to walk onto the stage like it’s normal? Like it’s right?!
Me: I think she was wasted…
Layke:  Mmmm yeah, but if wasted drunk bitches can just come on stage whenever they want, what does that say about our job?!? It’s like… It’s like people can just walk, sh*t, p*ss, and f*ck all over our stage and there’s nothing we can do about it!!! YOU KNOW?!? (He runs onstage.) C’mon Y’all!!!

Now, you have to understand. Layke “The Way” Jones is not one to use such vulgar language. Layke “The Way” Jones is usually the one laughing hysterically at Dallas for being crass, but never really going over the edge like that…

And I think that is what finally proved to me that my current state of existence is actually a joke. The fact that, as Layke “The Way” Jones so eloquently put it, people really CAN just walk, p*ss, sh*t, and you-know-what all over the stage. They can really do whatever they want while our show is going on. They can eat Panda Express and fight with their families. They can completely turn their back to the stage and devour a LaRosa’s pizza if they so desire. Hell, I bet someone could actually just pull down their pants and take a nice big steaming dump over by the stage right monitor, and no one else would even notice- or care.

These people don’t come to see our show. They don’t come to King’s Island to watch six twenty-something’s sing a medley of 90’s country hits. No! They certainly do not! No one leaves the park saying, “You know what? I rode the Diamondback seven times in a row without getting off in between rides, I proposed to my girlfriend on top of the Eifel Tower during the fireworks show and she said yes, AND I found 20 bucks over by the pirate ship swing. But MAN! I missed the country show!!! My ENTIRE DAY IS RUINED!!!”

And that’s fine. Seriously, I get it. I wouldn’t come to a theme park to watch a show either if I didn’t know anyone in it. And I get that, it’s fine. I’m not looking for someone to weep with joy because I sang “Suds In The Bucket.” But what I am expecting? Is for intoxicated floozies to stay off the stage. Like, is that really so much to ask?

Literally, sometimes I’m onstage and I’m thinking, “Is this really happening? Is a show really going on right now?” I’ll look out into the audience and wonder if anyone is listening. Sure, we’re on stage. Sure, we’re singing. We’re dancing and smiling and acting all happy-go-country. But is anyone actually WATCHING or LISTENING?

So for the past few days I’ve started to say things onstage to see if anyone actually notices or cares. Here’s an example of how the dialogue is supposed to go:

(Intro music to “Young” starts playing)
Layke “The Way” Jones: (finishing his scripted monologue) …Country music was growin’ up, and so were we.
Dallas: That’s right, Layke!
Janelle: Alright boys, sing it!
Me: Come on, now! Woo!
(The boys start singing.)

…Or something like that. After saying some generic form of “Alright now, come on! Sing it! Woo!” I always look out into the audience to see how they’re doing. And it’s always the same; It literally looks like they’re all in a catatonic state. Some of them I swear have drips of drool hanging from their slightly open mouths. And so, this is what this job has done to me:

(Intro music to “Young” starts playing)
Layke “The Way” Jones: (finishing his scripted monologue) …Country music was growin’ up, and so were we.
Dallas: That’s right, Layke!
Janelle: Alright boys, sing it!
Me: Well I don’t know about Dallas growin’ up, but you sure have, Layke! Toaster, y’all. WOO!

Then I take a peek at the first few rows of the audience to see if anyone notices… or cares. And guess what?

They don’t.

They all just keep staring at the stage, or at their Panda and pizza, or keep right on arguing with their family members. So I decided to up my game. I wanted to see if anyone would make any sort of reaction.

The “Normal” Version:

(The first video montage ends, and Dallas takes center stage to start singing “My Next 30 Years.”)
Dallas: Woo!
Janelle: Alright now, SING IT Dallas!
Me: Take it away!

The “See If The Audience Is Still Breathing” Version:

(The first video montage ends, and Dallas takes center stage to start singing “My Next 30 Years.”)
Dallas: Woo!
Janelle: Alright now, SING IT Dallas!
Me: You know, I used to enjoy the color purple, DJ, but now! I LIKE YELLOW! WOO!!!

I still have yet to see any sort of realization or response from anyone in the audience. Not even a single furrowed brow in confusion. It’s actually my goal to say something that causes someone to, oh, I don’t know… blink? by the end of the summer.

My life is an actual joke.


2 Responses to “The Day I Realized My Life Is An Actual Joke”

  1. Jeff Chamberlain August 8, 2012 at 6:07 am #

    I vote you start throwing in random lines from The Dark Knight Rises.

    “When Gotham is in ashes…then you have my permission to SING!! WOO!!!”

    • Carolyn August 17, 2012 at 4:27 am #

      Baaa hahaha! I’ll do that on Saturday! Thanks for the idea 🙂

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