If You Don’t Like The Banana Suit, You Don’t Have A Soul

17 Jul

Every once in a while, King’s Island decides to try to convince their employees that they don’t actually work in a crevice of Satan’s armpit, and so the company does something nice for everyone. Last night, it was an employee ride night. They opened the water park from 9 pm to 1 am for EMPLOYEES ONLY!!!! and we all decided that we would go.

So Dallas, DJ, Ryan and I make our way to a fellow cast mate’s apartment. She lives closer to the park, and we all decided that we’d meet there before making our way to the water park. Now, there really aren’t any other important, funny, or interesting details to tell before hitting you with the big one, which immediately leads me to my next point: I found a banana suit in her apartment.

I put it on. Despite the fact that it was made for someone a little taller than I, it fit nicely. The yellow polyester and velour fabric was soft against my skin, and the hole for the face framed my chin perfectly so that when I looked down, I got a double chin. It was perfect.

“Okay, let’s go.”
“Are you seriously going to wear the banana to the water park?!”
“Yes.”

We arrive at the park, and there are King’s Island security guards everywhere. I emerge from the car, and a scene flashes through my head…

Security Guard: Hey! Hey you!
Me: Greetings, my good sir.
Security Guard: Yeah, you in the banana suit! I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to remove your banana.
Me: But why?
Security Guard: DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS! Hands above your head! What do you think you are doing??? This is an employee rides night! WE ARE NOT HERE TO HAVE FUN! NO ONE ON THIS PREMISIS IS ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN!!!!
Me: But… it’s a theme park…?
Security Guard: And is the theme Fruit of the Loom? I DON’T THINK SO!!!
Me: Okay, I understand….
(I make a run for it.)
Me: ha HAAAA!!!!
Secufity Guard: HEY! GET back here… damn it… STOP THAT BANANA!!! RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!!
(Suddenly, a pack of police dogs can be heard advancing behind me, and the repetitive audible pattern of a helicopter’s wings starts echoing between water slides. A spotlight starts searching the park from above, (“COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR PEEL”) and I am sneaking under a slide… in a banana suit.)

I approach the security post apprehensively. I flash a big smile, as if to be like, “I’m totally sane, and I’m just trying to have a good time, I’m a fun, carefree spirit and I like to make people laugh. Please don’t punish me or make me take off the banana suit.”

The guard looks at me like I’ve just approached a water park at 10:00 pm while wearing a banana suit smiling like an idiot. He smirks a little, and lets me through. There is a collective cheer from myself and my coworkers, and we book it to the nearest water slide. People are either laughing hysterically when I sprint by, or staring like they just saw Big Foot passing out religious flyers to a group of Harley Davidson motorcycle drivers. It’s either one or the other.

So I get in line, and the people in front of us actually look pretty offended that I’m wearing a banana suit. We, however, are just acting like this is all completely normal. I’m actually starting to feel like I’ve personally done something to offend the guy in front of me, because I keep catching him staring at me with an evil look in his eyes. Finally, when our eyes meet for like, the 30th time, he pushes his way through the crowd and says, “Look, I just have to ask: Why a banana?”

I say the only thing that makes sense to me.

“Why wouldn’t I come to a water park at 10:00 wearing a banana suit???”

He just stares at me. I try a new approach.

“I like to be silly, I like making people laugh. Don’t you think it’s kind of funny?”

He looks me up and down. “No. Not really.”

Something inside of me snaps, and I hear myself say, “Well, then I feel sorry for you, and I don’t actually think you have a soul.”

He turns back around, and so do I, and then I went down the water slide wearing a banana suit. It got pretty heavy once it got wet, but other than that there were no negative effects. I also asked a few people in line later if they had seen any gorillas, and if they did, could they please tell me because gorillas are my only natural enemy. 

The end.

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